Things I remember
Some memories keep showing up like pop-ups on the computer. Some of them go away when you click on the x-box in the right hand corner. But some don't. Sometimes they even crash the system.
Here are some pop-up memories in the computer of my brain.
Good things:
1.)This one night after the company Christmas party I went home with this very sweet, smart, handsome guy that I had a secret crush on. We made out under his Christmas tree. We never ended up together, but he became a good friend. I wonder how he is.
2.) Watching the sun rise over Waikiki Beach and thinking that maybe everything would be okay. I was reading, then, the same book I am reading now. I just realized. Glamourous Powers by Susan Howatch, a book about ego and redemption and finding one’s true relationship with God. A novel. But it’s easier to learn from someone else’s mistakes, eh?
3.) An American girl in the Sydney airport who paid the $3.00 Australian so I could take the shuttle to the other wing of the airport, because I was afraid I’d miss my flight to Perth if I went to change money. She didn’t even hesitate. On the shuttle, she told me that she was Jewish and it was the first day of Hanekah. And suddenly I understood why I had impulsive bought a dreydl the day before I left, slipping it into my purse with a confidence that I would need it soon. “Happy Hanekah!” I said to her, tossing it to her as I got off the shuttle. Her face lit up.
4.)Walking down the Avenue of the Americas (aka 6th Avenue) my first day back in the states after 6 months abroad, a doorman approaches me and wordlessly hands me a huge bouquet of red, white and blue balloons. I walk down the street thinking, “Home. I am home.”
5.)Standing on a rock in a state park, too afraid to climb down or jump into my cousin John’s arms. John went to get my dad, and I jumped to him, knowing he would catch me, that I was safe.
Bad things:
1.)Last February when Casey was having a seizure and my new dog Meredith ran away. By the time I got Casey to sleep and went to look for Meredith, she’d been hit by a car and killed. I found her just as the snow was starting to cover her little body, and I carried her home with such a horrible feeling a sadness and guilt. I didn’t even have a chance to get to know her. She ran away because she wanted to go home. And I guess she finally did.
2.)Driving in the car with Andrea, wondering how long it would take her to get around to mentioning that she’d slept with the guy I was involved with. I’d smelled him in her sheets. I was looking out the window at the traffic thinking, “Jesus, girl, at least have the graciousness to admit it. At least step up to the plate and declare yourself.” She never did. Finally I said, “So…are you ever planning on telling me you slept with my boyfriend?” And she babbled out a stream of excuses but not one of them stood up to a straightforward, “I’m sorry.” We’re not friends any more, though I really had loved her like a sister and could have forgiven her (eventually) for the betrayal. (That boy just wasn’t programmed to keep the thing in his pants, but he had many redeeming qualities and I learned not to take it personally.)The betrayal was one thing. He was too damn seductive. But the cowardice afterwards? That showed me more about her character than 100 episodes of sleeping with some guy.
3.)The day my “partner” at the job from hell viciously accused me of lying on my resume to get the job. I said, “I think our manager should be present for this conversation.” When I came back with the manager, my partner calmly told her that I’d made up the entire previous conversation, that she would never be so unprofessional as to say such things, and that she really didn’t know what to make of me as it was apparent to all that I was a pathological liar. I nearly puked. I realized that I’d made a terrible mistake in taking the job without a better idea of who the players would be.
4.)My car sliding through the deep slush beyond my control into the only other car visible on the road for miles. The crush of the metal.
Perplexing things:
1.) The dream I had that my aunt came to me crying and said, “I don’t know what to do, Cupcake! Help me!” and I said, “I can’t help you. I have my own mess to sort out.” I woke up to the sound of my nightgown flapping against my shins as I ran down the hallway. In the morning, I got a phone call that she’d died that night, quite suddenly.
2.) My playwrighting mentor telling me that even though my play was better than a certain other girl’s play, he was putting hers in the final round of the festival and not mine. I still grapple with that. It goes around in my brain like a continuous loop. He is not my playwrighting mentor any more.
3.) A certain boy telling me he loves me. I can see his perfect lips forming the words, but it seems like I’m watching it from the wrong end of a telescope. Everything is wrong about the admission. The next morning, he kicks me out of his house. Which is the point at which I realize that in fact he was speaking the truth. In his own way, he loves me. And for him that’s a treachery I’ve committed, which he’ll never forgive me for.
4.) The 2000 and 2004 presidential elections. How? Can? That? Have? Happened? And how will we ever get the power back?
Here are some pop-up memories in the computer of my brain.
Good things:
1.)This one night after the company Christmas party I went home with this very sweet, smart, handsome guy that I had a secret crush on. We made out under his Christmas tree. We never ended up together, but he became a good friend. I wonder how he is.
2.) Watching the sun rise over Waikiki Beach and thinking that maybe everything would be okay. I was reading, then, the same book I am reading now. I just realized. Glamourous Powers by Susan Howatch, a book about ego and redemption and finding one’s true relationship with God. A novel. But it’s easier to learn from someone else’s mistakes, eh?
3.) An American girl in the Sydney airport who paid the $3.00 Australian so I could take the shuttle to the other wing of the airport, because I was afraid I’d miss my flight to Perth if I went to change money. She didn’t even hesitate. On the shuttle, she told me that she was Jewish and it was the first day of Hanekah. And suddenly I understood why I had impulsive bought a dreydl the day before I left, slipping it into my purse with a confidence that I would need it soon. “Happy Hanekah!” I said to her, tossing it to her as I got off the shuttle. Her face lit up.
4.)Walking down the Avenue of the Americas (aka 6th Avenue) my first day back in the states after 6 months abroad, a doorman approaches me and wordlessly hands me a huge bouquet of red, white and blue balloons. I walk down the street thinking, “Home. I am home.”
5.)Standing on a rock in a state park, too afraid to climb down or jump into my cousin John’s arms. John went to get my dad, and I jumped to him, knowing he would catch me, that I was safe.
Bad things:
1.)Last February when Casey was having a seizure and my new dog Meredith ran away. By the time I got Casey to sleep and went to look for Meredith, she’d been hit by a car and killed. I found her just as the snow was starting to cover her little body, and I carried her home with such a horrible feeling a sadness and guilt. I didn’t even have a chance to get to know her. She ran away because she wanted to go home. And I guess she finally did.
2.)Driving in the car with Andrea, wondering how long it would take her to get around to mentioning that she’d slept with the guy I was involved with. I’d smelled him in her sheets. I was looking out the window at the traffic thinking, “Jesus, girl, at least have the graciousness to admit it. At least step up to the plate and declare yourself.” She never did. Finally I said, “So…are you ever planning on telling me you slept with my boyfriend?” And she babbled out a stream of excuses but not one of them stood up to a straightforward, “I’m sorry.” We’re not friends any more, though I really had loved her like a sister and could have forgiven her (eventually) for the betrayal. (That boy just wasn’t programmed to keep the thing in his pants, but he had many redeeming qualities and I learned not to take it personally.)The betrayal was one thing. He was too damn seductive. But the cowardice afterwards? That showed me more about her character than 100 episodes of sleeping with some guy.
3.)The day my “partner” at the job from hell viciously accused me of lying on my resume to get the job. I said, “I think our manager should be present for this conversation.” When I came back with the manager, my partner calmly told her that I’d made up the entire previous conversation, that she would never be so unprofessional as to say such things, and that she really didn’t know what to make of me as it was apparent to all that I was a pathological liar. I nearly puked. I realized that I’d made a terrible mistake in taking the job without a better idea of who the players would be.
4.)My car sliding through the deep slush beyond my control into the only other car visible on the road for miles. The crush of the metal.
Perplexing things:
1.) The dream I had that my aunt came to me crying and said, “I don’t know what to do, Cupcake! Help me!” and I said, “I can’t help you. I have my own mess to sort out.” I woke up to the sound of my nightgown flapping against my shins as I ran down the hallway. In the morning, I got a phone call that she’d died that night, quite suddenly.
2.) My playwrighting mentor telling me that even though my play was better than a certain other girl’s play, he was putting hers in the final round of the festival and not mine. I still grapple with that. It goes around in my brain like a continuous loop. He is not my playwrighting mentor any more.
3.) A certain boy telling me he loves me. I can see his perfect lips forming the words, but it seems like I’m watching it from the wrong end of a telescope. Everything is wrong about the admission. The next morning, he kicks me out of his house. Which is the point at which I realize that in fact he was speaking the truth. In his own way, he loves me. And for him that’s a treachery I’ve committed, which he’ll never forgive me for.
4.) The 2000 and 2004 presidential elections. How? Can? That? Have? Happened? And how will we ever get the power back?
posted by Cupcakegrrl at Tuesday, January 03, 2006
8 Comments:
Please tell me that you are working on having your play produced. You really are a fantastic writer.
I could envision each of these. Except that last one. Which I'd much rather forget.
Reading this post brought out some memories of my own. Damn you, and your evocative writing style! (I raise and shake my fist in definace at you)
You are an intruiging one, it is always an interesting read here.
It's odd how some memories flood back at strange times and quite often the same ones. Perhaps a specific situation triggers it. One bad memory that comes back to me in certain times is when I was in middle school and didn't defend my younger brother against an older bully. It constantly returns to me I think to knock me back in place.
My pop-up blocker didn't block any of those, and now I'm the proud new owner of 750 adult orineted DVDs, a fancy spy cam, and a set of cheap steak knifes. Great!
On another note, those were interesting little memories - a fine peek into moments of your past. Thanks for that.
The lying partner thing . . . how does someone do that?? Who has the gall? I swear, I would make it my life's work to ruin that person afterward. Everything I could do, I would.
MA: I've had some small plays done Off-Off Broadway. I'm working on a longer one, and the lovely Jill helped me over an impasse yesterday. I'll invite you to the workshop performance!
Jill: thanks again. And I dreamed about RF after our conversation.
Srh: Thanks. Hope they were good memories, or at least interesting ones.
Mass: yeah, they come at you like bats sometimes. I'm sure you'd defend your brother now. Wouldn't you?
Peefer: As an Atkins girl, I eat a lot of meat...I need steak knives...I'll let you set the spy cam up to watch me cook and consume if I can have the cutlery.
AUA: Thanks for that. She was pure evil. I did a great job for that company but the undertow of having to work for her and having to watch my back constantly made it not worth the effort. I like to think she'll get her comeuppance in the end. But I hope I'll never know because I hope I never see any of those people again in my life. (Still, if you want to chase her down for me, you'd be my white knight...)
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