Cupcake's Winged Secrets
Readers, your Cupcake has always believed that there are hidden laws to the universe. Because she sits very quietly under the tree of wisdom, some of the winged secrets that nest there have learned to trust her and have come, cautiously, to take breadcrumbs from her hand. At which point she snares them in a net and brings them home to share with you.
They are Winged Secrets because unless you really want to keep them, they will probably fly away. But perhaps, next time you see them from afar, you will recognize them and say to yourself, "Ah, that Cupcake. What a clever lass she is!"
Or possibly, "I must write Cupcake and ask for her address so that I can send her money." Or even, "I wonder what we're having for supper?"
A short list, then, of some Winged Secrets:
---The better the book, the greater the likelihood that your enjoyment of reading the last pages will be interrupted by a phone call, a knock at the door, or an unexpected leak from the ceiling above your head.
---Even the most elusive waiter will come immediately to the table when everyone at that table has a full mouth. This is common knowledge. The Winged Secret is that this rule can be used to your advantage. When unable to flag the server down, savvy diners will conspire for the entire party to cram as many ice cubes as possible into their mouths. The server will be drawn tableside through the force of the universal law. Be forwarned that the waiter will look appalled when a designated person then spits the ice cubes into a glass in order to make the group's request.
---Traffic lights will always remain red for slightly less time than it takes to dig a lipstick from the bottom of a purse. Also, holding an open tube of lipstick while you drive will guarantee that any traffic light you encounter will be green.
---For some reason, it almost always rains at 5:00 on Fridays. Noone knows why. Also, it almost always snows on baseball's opening day. A few flakes. But snow. (This Winged Secret applies only in MA, VT, and NJ. No guarantee is made for universal application.)
Have you trapped any Winged Secrets of your own? Cupcake invites you to share them if you have.
posted by Cupcakegrrl at Thursday, October 20, 2005
6 Comments:
1. Always read a good book sequestered.
2. Not if you're in France. Or...at a French restaurant. Or...the waiter is of French heritage.
3. Does not work in South Florida. Red lights are exactly 4 minutes and 45 seconds long, while greens last 27 seconds.
4. Yes, but only in the Eastern Time Zone. The other three are fine. So...move west, young lass.
All of your bloggin buddies will post on the one day you are too busy to read. And/or they will post every single day while you are out of town.
Winged Secret #3 rings true for me today. I don't use lipstick, but I was trying to get at a much needed candy when the lights turned green and then stayed green, all the way home!
The red light secret is applicable to a variety of chores: changing a CD, looking at written directions, digging in the glove box for a pencil or a tissue...
Here's another: any financial windfall (due to birthday, odd job, bonus) will be offset by unforseen expense (parking ticket, car repair). In my case, it was a punctured tire and tube for my bicycle...
AMP-
I forgot about the France and Florida. I think they have many specific Winged Secrets, which a lifetime would not be enough to entrap.
Jenn- time is a waterballoon and moves out of anywhere you grab it. Blog timing especially.
Mass- The relationship between windfall and unexpected expense is definately a Winged Secret. That one had definately flown away for a bit. Thanks for ushering it back into my flock.
As the scientific community has made progress in mapping the mysterious 'restaurant gene', it has become clear that said gene expresses itself in a number of ways similar to the phenomenon of ESP. For instance, an enhanced sense of hearing caused by this gene allows waiters to respond to the slightest lull in conversation which occurs when mouths are full, even across a busy restaurant. This triggers a rush of adrenalin in the cerebral cortex which sends the waiter rushing to the source, dessert menus in hand.
Other chromosomes along the 'restaurant gene' code for things like "coffee refill vision" which allows waiters to actually see through a ceramic cup, and "side of mayonnaise intuition" which gives a waiter the ability to smell the mayonnaise content already present in a customer's bloodstream, prompting the waiter to automatically bring mayonnaise to the table (note: a separate chromosome codes for Tabasco sauce).
Hmm... No. I disagree with most of your winged secrets. Although the waiter-summoning technique seems fine to me, i'll give it a try. If you ever come to Barcelona, i know how to call the police: instead of shrieking "police!", whenever you got a Portuguese junkie with a cutter in your neck, slowly stick your hand in your pocket and pull out both hash and lighter. An undetermined number of secret cops oscillating from three to twenty-four will swiflty appear.
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